How to Overcome Being Hurt by Your Church

For many, a church is a place of community, support, and spiritual growth. But for some, it is also a place of deep hurt. Whether it is from judgment, exclusion, or a betrayal of trust, the pain caused by a religious community can be profound.

As a men's and couples therapist, I help people navigate this pain, finding healing and reconciliation with their faith and within themselves. If you are struggling with the impact of being hurt by your church, here are some practical steps to help you move forward.

Feel the Hurt

The first step in healing from hurt is acknowledging it. Often, people try to suppress their emotions, especially religious pain, because they feel guilty for feeling upset or resentful toward others in the church. It is important to recognize that being hurt by your church does not make you a bad person. Your pain is valid.

When church leaders or members engage in harmful behaviors, it is natural to feel betrayed, confused, and even angry. These emotions are normal, and addressing them is important. Denying your feelings may delay the healing process. By giving yourself permission to feel, you allow the wounds to surface, which is the first step toward recovery.

Examine the Nature of the Hurt

Once you have allowed yourself to feel the pain, it is important to understand the nature of the hurt. Did you feel excluded from a church event? Were there harsh judgments about your behavior or beliefs? Did someone in the church abuse their power? Or did the church’s teachings create unrealistic expectations that left you feeling inadequate?

Understanding the specific actions or words that caused the hurt helps you differentiate between your relationship with the church and your personal relationship with God. This distinction can be crucial in preventing the hurt from becoming a barrier to your spiritual growth. It is important to remember that the actions of a few people or a particular congregation do not define your faith or your worth as a person.

Talk About It

Communication is key when dealing with emotional wounds. Whether it is with a trusted friend, therapist, or spouse, talking about your experience helps to release the emotions attached to it. In therapy, I encourage individuals to process their feelings in a safe environment where they can speak freely about their experiences without judgment.

Couples can be affected by one partner’s hurt from the church. In these cases, both partners need to listen to each other without jumping to conclusions. Sometimes, simply being heard and validated is enough to begin the healing process.

Set Healthy Boundaries

After experiencing hurt, it is vital to establish boundaries to protect yourself from further emotional harm. This may mean taking a step back from the church or seeking a different community that aligns with your values. Boundaries are not about cutting off relationships but about taking the time and space you need to recover.

Setting boundaries also involves determining what aspects of the church you feel comfortable with and what you need to avoid. It is important to recognize that you have the right to take care of yourself. That can sometimes mean distancing yourself from people or practices that are not supportive.

Moving Forward

Healing from the pain of being hurt by your church is a deeply personal journey. It requires patience, self-compassion, and sometimes professional support. You can begin to heal and find peace by either rebuilding your relationship with your faith or taking time to redefine what spirituality means to you.

If you are struggling with pain caused by your church, seeking help from a therapist who understands religious trauma is an important step toward healing. Fill out my contact form to take the next step in scheduling an appointment!

---

About the Author

Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, is an Arizona licensed mental health counselor and owner of Phoenix Men’s Counseling. He sees both individuals, including men and women, as well as members of the LGBTQ+ community, who are seeking help coping with depression, anxiety, anger, people-pleasing, and more. He additionally works with couples seeking marriage counseling as well as anyone seeking assistance in navigating infidelity or divorce. Jason offers sessions both in-person and online.